“No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality”.

How would you go about explaining to people why you attempted suicide? Where do you possibly begin? How do you go about looking the same people that thought they knew you in the eye? How?

Before you can even begin to answer these questions, you’ll be inundated with ‘why?’ or ‘how could you?’ Why should we answer these questions if we ourselves don’t know why or what pushed us over the edge. These are the things that I had to reflect on when I was in a period of recovery. It took me a long time to get to this stage and I have trouble remembering most of it. I wouldn’t even want to know what the heck I was thinking.

It was October 2018, close to the end of the month and my depression was at a real high. I was also consuming alcohol (which I honestly regret) and going through about two bottles of red wine a day. I felt pain throughout my body. My mind felt like it wanted to explode and I wanted it all to stop. To make matters worse, I wasn’t medicating myself as prescribed by my doctor and I lied about it to my wife. This was a concoction that would only lead to a disaster, of which it did. At the time I was blaming everyone else around me and didn’t see anything wrong with what I was doing. I was just ‘chilling’ in the garage and passing out in a camping chair.

One night I just couldn’t take it anymore and I accused my wife of wanting me dead. Enough was enough. I headed to the kitchen and darted for my pills. I removed each and everyone one from its packaging and spread it across the kitchen counter. I was manic then. I was going to take my life. I made a video recording (which when played now is scary as shit). I wasn’t making any sense, as I was drunk and pumped with mania. After recording the video I just scooped a handful of pills and finished them all.

I preferred having an overdose as to inflicting any physical harm on myself as I wanted to leave the world ‘peacefully’. It’s ironic to think that I would leave a complete mess behind. According to my wife I stumbled back to the garage and couldn’t keep myself on my feet. She said that I collapsed on the couch and that’s when she called the paramedics. I was out.

After listening to all the things she told me about what happened next, I can’t imagine what I put her through. I vomited all over myself and the paramedics. The floor was covered in what seemed like I spilled my guts out. I was transferred from one state hospital to another as they tried to get me into a stable condition. I had no idea that I was going to do this and cause this much harm to everyone that I love and everyone that cares about me.

That’s just the thing – you just don’t know. That’s the power that bipolar had over me. It turned me into someone that couldn’t reason, even if my life depended on it. After waking up in the third hospital (fortunately it was a private one, yes!), I was miserable in that my attempt was unsuccessful. But that was not me. However, this would not be the end of it all …

I would love to live my life right now, but who knows what’s waiting for me around the corner. I could easily slip into a depressive mode or launch myself from a manic state into a depressive one. For now I am trying to spot certain behaviors in myself that could easily lead me down that path. By identifying them I could possibly, if not entirely, prevent myself from going bonkers again.

If you’re not in a good space right now, then first think it through and give yourself a chance at life, as it is worth living. For what it’s worth and coming from me, you can make it through and suicide is not the way out.

2yvjbj (2)

That’s my mind’s mischief. A blog.

Frank Moody.

4 thoughts on “A Bipolar Narrative: The Big Sleep (Part 1)

  1. I’m fresh out of the psych ward back on March 21. My break was manic in nature and while violent I was not suicidal. In fact, I was on the other end of the spectrum feeling endlessly blessed and out of this world happy, so much so that a very negative presence in my life turned me into the worst version of myself, getting me pink-slipped into the psych ward.

    While I was there, another patient there opened up about his struggles. He was there for having tried to commit suicide. He was open and honest about his struggles. Very real and very passionate about all he spoke of. I connected deeply to that. I wanted to be there to help him recover from his sadness because I was feeling so good in my unwellness. I wanted that for him and I find myself wanting that for you as well.

    I’m sorry your illness took you to such a dark place. I was there as well and get there even when I’m flying high in mania. But through it all I know that I don’t want to hurt myself in any real way so the desire to kill myself only ever feels fleeting. It’s only when I’m highly manic that I would ever try something violent like that. So I’m able to talk myself through the lows, coaching me on not doing something I know I am mentally, spiritually, and physically against doing to myself. I don’t always have positive to get through it, but I do have a determination to not let the dark get the better of the light I wish to share with the world.

    And that’s kind of how I view my bipolarity, it’s a battle between light and dark within me. The dark side of my nature seeks instant gratification and wants to pull me away from everything that means anything to me in an attempt at momentary satisfaction and passing fancy. Knowing that is my dark side, I am then aware that my good side is everything that my dark side is not. Everything good, everything loving, everything happy-making in my life – all that is part of light.

    Knowing that, I choose to see my behaviors as light or dark. When I feel myself acting too darkly I know I am unwell and need outside help. Though I sometimes need outside help realizing I am acting darkly. Part of the unwellness is not always being able to recognize your own symptoms and even fighting the attention called to them by others. So part of my light side has become accepting the words of others when my dark side wants to conflict with them over the sensibilities they are offending. I know when I am getting negative reactions out of people I am acting darkly. It has started helping me curb my bad tendencies to act out of control.

    I could go on for ages about my methods and thoughts on how to get well in bipolar but I am new to you and I don’t want to drown you in my often wordy and always lengthy posts and responses.

    To sum up, I hope you are doing well. I would love to talk with you about how you are walking through your illness to wellness. I’d love to share the steps I’m taking and see if we can come up with a better approach together. I’m all about teamwork and I’d love to build a battalion of bipolar battlers all putting their heads together to come up with a treatment plan that works for all of them. But that’s the grandiose bipolar thinking we’re so natural at. Can’t ever escape the crazy even when you’re medicated and happy. Not a negative comment, but rather a positive truth if you can get your perception right on the matter.

    Hope you’re having a good day. Hope my manic chatting hasn’t offended you in any way.

    Like

  2. Suffering and pain are hard but there are ways to manage them. I have felt suicidal many times but I have never made an attempt on my life but two of my sisters have. You are brave to write about it and bi polar can be managed and getting a handle on your thoughts and perspective takes time. I know there will be times I feel life is too hard but I always reach out on those days now. And I don’t think you are manic writing this… intense emotion can seem manic but it needs to find its way out….some people tend to experience life more intensely due to past trauma or difficulty with self regulation, we are just human….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I hope that after gaining a better perspective on life and by making an effort to take charge of my bipolar, that I won’t go down that path again. I know that it’s too soon to speak of it, especially with my renewed belief in living life, I hope that I can manage things a little better than before. Fingers crossed!

      Liked by 1 person

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