What’s the worst thing about waking up after all the drama of your suicide unfolded? For some it may be the thought of seeing all their relatives or loved ones sobbing and bawling their eyes out – it was a little different for me. I didn’t want to wake up. I just wanted to sleep forever. I didn’t want to live another day in this world. The pain was just too much for me and death seemed like my only way out.
When I think about it now it hardly makes any sense to me. I have a wife and two kids (and a lovely dog). Why on earth would I want to leave these things so dear to me behind, while I’m being held in a state hospital bed, at a state hospital where the staff couldn’t care less? There was no way of telling what was important to me, as my thoughts were irrational; what I thought was best for me set into motion a series of events that wouldn’t be easy on my wife nor my kids.
After the fact that I was still alive sunk in, I expected everyone to be upset and angered at what I had done. On the contrary, they offered me comforting words and made it known that they were there for me; all the while I had a tube down my throat, a drip in my arm and the worst part, a catheter in my schlong. It’s a peculiar scenario, but I felt better knowing that they were there for me.
My wife was a saviour, not only because she nearly had a go at a doctor, who was slapping the heck out of me, but she battled it out with the hospital staff and the medical aid to have me moved to a private hospital (including treating me as their patient in a humane manner). State hospitals suck!
I was eventually transferred to a private hospital (close to home) and admitted first to the emergency unit and then to the psychiatric ward. The psychiatric ward couldn’t have come any sooner as I just wanted the catheter out. It freaked the heck out of me. It was at the first private institution that I was at when my bipolar splintered into a hypomanic state. This wouldn’t also be the last time that I would see a state hospital again.
That’s my mind’s mischief. A blog.
Also Read: A Bipolar Narrative: The Big Sleep (Part 1)